Duty vs love
What does it mean for an act to be done from a place of duty or love?
I was taking some time to relax and reflect when George (my 6 month old puppy) brought one of his toys up to me. Many times I would see this as a mild annoyance that he was going to interrupt some scarce and precious downtime.
However, I started playing with him because I knew he’d like that. For some reason this made me realise that I often act from a sense of duty. A sense that it is the right thing to do and the other will be blessed by it. But I often find it draining. Like I’m doing it for them but not getting any joy in that. It made me wonder why? What does it mean to act out of duty and what’s the alternative? Is there a way to act for others that’s energising rather than draining. Many wise people say that serving others brings life to us, so what am I doing wrong? Below are a few brief musings:
Acting from duty comes from a sense of responsibility to the other. It’s a one-sided transaction – an act of service rather than relationship. “I’m going to bless the other because it’s the ‘right’, ‘good’, ‘loving’ thing to do. It’s a question of morality over relationship. It says, “I should do this and if I don’t I’m bad”. No personal credit is taken from fulfilling a duty. No real sense that I, and therefore my time and energy, are important and a real gift when given to another. It ignores my importance in the relationship. It sounds selfless but ultimately is just an act of will that is draining of energy and connection.
Acting from love comes from a place of meaning and connection. Considering the other in their fullness, and in your relationship to them. Recognising that you have power to bless them; that your existence and actions are important to them (whether they know or acknowledge it). It becomes a truly relational act. You’re still acting in their interests, because it’s the ‘right’, ‘good’ and ‘loving’ thing to do. But once you recognise your agency and importance it becomes a relational rather than simply moral act. Relationship requires more than one party. Acting for someone as if it is just for them, pure selflessness, becomes a relationless act. So we need to recognise ourselves as important in the relationship above simply being an actor on behalf of the other.
Consequently I enjoyed playing with George as I focused more on our relationship than simply ‘giving him some play time’. It was time for me to be ‘with’ him and engage with him, to recognise the value of my time and energy to him, which some may call love.
I’m wondering what this will look like for my relationship with Ellie. What it would mean for doing housework, or other acts of service. I often do these and think it’s showing love and then get upset when Ellie says I don’t show her enough affection or thoughtfulness because I think that’s all I’ve been doing. But acting from duty can be quite selfish, deep down it’s about my morality and goodness rather than my desire for deep relationship with Ellie. It’s trying to buy relationship with works rather than living into and acknowledging the intimacy we already have. And by not living from an acknowledgement that I’m loved and important to Ellie my actions don’t build connection and intimacy but have a shade of coldness and disconnection about them.
P.S. this probably speaks to my on going challenges with self-worth and how that interferes with healthy relationships. Just to add some more layers :)
