Sarah Everard — Thoughts for fellow men
It’s Saturday 13th of March as I begin writing this. Over the last week the UK has been shocked by news that a male Metropolitan Police Officer kidnapped and murdered a young woman, Sarah Everard.
Over the last few days I’ve been hearing the hurt, fear and anger being expressed by women of all backgrounds at this horrific event — including my wife. The deep visceral response created in women across the country reminds me of how the murder of George Floyd affected the black community last summer. To clarify, I’m not trying to equate the injustices faced by women with those faced by people of colour (many of whom are of course also women). The similarity I see between the two events is that, for each respective group of people, these events are representative of a whole history of injustices as well as being a sign that there is still a massive problem.
I think it can be easy for men (and I know, because I’ve had these thoughts myself in the last few days) to see the response of women as an overreaction. We can have thoughts like, “It’s actually quite rare for women to get murdered on the streets in this way”, “actually, more men get murdered on the streets than women and we often feel unsafe too”, “only a very small portion of men are murderous like this”, “there are always going to be bad people around, we just have to accept that and be wise to try and reduce the risk we face” etc…
Having taken time to bat these ‘reactionary thoughts’ away and really hear what women are saying I can see this isn’t just about one murder (as horrific as it is) or just about murder at all. As mentioned above, this is representative and triggering of all the hurt and pain caused by men in their own histories, the thousands of years of oppression and injustice perpetrated by men preceding our time and most importantly, the fear, pain and injustice that will be inflicted by men going forwards.
As a man, I know it can be hard to hear the category ‘men’ being used without any qualification or nuance added — like we’re all being tarnished with the same brush as those who have murdered, raped or are generally demeaning of women. I feel this as a similar initial reaction to being called out as a ‘white person’ in the current conversations on racism. It’s easy and largely natural for a sense of defensiveness to rise up inside us — whenever we sense a challenge to our character or reputations it’s natural to feel uneasy as one of our core drives as humans is for social acceptance, and this feels like a threat to that.
One of the reasons for this is that our western individualist culture emphasises personal responsibility over group responsibility. This means that we have a visceral response when we feel like we’re being blamed, punished or even reputationally tarnished for actions we didn’t personally commit — it feels ‘unfair’. However, in reality we can’t completely absolve ourselves of responsibility for the state of our society or culture. Our level of influence will vary, but we all play a part. I’m sure most women will know and admit that they also have a part to play — in this particular scenario many of them are simply saying that they have ‘less’ influence on other men than men do and that in many ways they’re already doing what they feel they can. They’re now calling on us as fathers, brothers and sons to play our part. Not to fix everything on our own, but to play our part, however small that may seem.
The question then becomes, ‘what does this look like?’ What can the average man do to reduce sexist, misogynistic and outright dangerous behaviours across the male population? There are of course many possible actions such as taking time to reflect on your own view of the value of women and your behaviours towards them, both conscious and subconscious; speaking respectfully of women at all times and avoiding demeaning jokes; calling out, rebuking and appropriately punishing (depending on your level of influence in the scenario) demeaning language and bad behaviours of other men; cultivating a heart which gives women’s testimonies and words equal status to that of other men, and when potential harm is involved, erring on the side of the potential victim.
There are many other and probably better things I’m sure we could all think of and which will have been written about far better than I could. None of these are particularly new and most us men already know them. For me, the real issue is linked to the first point — what is our heart towards women? What are our beliefs about their worth and dignity? If we don’t believe at the core of our soul that women and men have equal worth, dignity and value to add to society then, whilst it may not manifest at the level of murder, we will act as part of the problem.
In the second part of this post I’d like to discuss one particular topic which I believe has a large and negative impact on male attitudes and behaviour towards women which I’m particularly passionate about. As a warning, this probably won’t be a popular topic and I know many people reading this will disagree on some or all of my beliefs — but I hope you’ll be able to have grace with me and perhaps at least try reflecting on the ideas.
‘Men can’t control themselves’
(Warning: This part includes references to various, relatively mild, sexual topics)
This is a phrase we often hear when women are being told to police their dress and behaviour. “If you dress / dance / speak like that then you’re asking for it”, women are told, because “men are visual beings with high sex drives and they can’t be reasonably expected to control themselves.
This message is both completely false as well as hugely damaging. It perpetuates in men the idea that lack of control is in fact ‘manly’ and downplays feelings of responsibility, because after all ‘it’s out of our control’ and women should just know not to tempt us. It also makes men believe that it’s pointless to try and learn how to control themselves as it will never really work anyway.
I know this because for much of my teenage and young adult years I felt captive to my sexual urges. Having discovered masturbation in my early teenage years followed shortly by pornography I was soon hooked to both. Being raised Christian I was always uneasy about these behaviours and tried to stop on many occasions, but it just felt pointless. Typically, within a week I had given in. Hearing messages like, “it’s natural for men to need to release their sexual urges and trying not to could even be damaging” gave me a sense of relief — “I’m not defective or bad, I’m normal”, I’d be able to tell myself, “this is just a fight I could never possibly win, so why bother trying?”
(Before we go any further I just want to address the elephant that seems to be in everyone’s room at the moment. Of course we all have a responsibility to do what we can to protect ourselves from risks, however, this post is not about how women should manage the risk currently posed by men — it’s about considering how we as men can reduce that risk. Women are well aware of the former topic and don’t need me to add to it.)
My journey began to change when I came across a group of guys who were trying to overcome masturbation and the use of pornography together — and more significantly, many of whom were succeeding. This blew that insidious lie apart — “men can’t control themselves, it’s impossible, don’t bother trying”. This also coincided with an increasing fire burning in me to ‘be better’ for the women in my life. I had a girlfriend who I hoped would one day be my wife, I had many female friends, I was thinking ahead to potential daughters I may have — for all of these and more I wanted to be a good man who they would be and feel safe around. To cut a long story short, it has now been a little over 8 years since I last masturbated or watched pornography — and I can tell you one thing for certain, I don’t miss it even a tiny bit. I have no urges for it. My overall self-control is as high as it’s ever been. It’s just not true that in order to be happy we need to have sexual release. I went 7 years without any sexual release before getting married and many of those years were the happiest of my life. I’ve written my journey more fully here for those who are interested to understand it better.
For me, sex is a wonderful gift which enables me to bond with my wife — and by bond I mean both consciously as well as chemically / neurologically. Choosing not to have sex with anyone apart from my wife (even myself) is not about complying with some abstract religious law — I truly believe it’s the way I can have the healthiest relationship with my wife and women generally. It means I’m not plagued by sexual urges and thoughts throughout the day or a myriad of related subconscious biases. It means that even in marriage, if we start trying to have sex and my wife says she’s feeling uncomfortable and wants to stop, I am able to stop and not feel disappointment, bitterness or resentment but simply to be concerned for her welfare.
The important point here is not me trying to brag, many people reading this will think I’m some insane religious nut-job rather than want to congratulate me. This point I’m trying to make is that “SELF-CONTROL IS POSSIBLE” and we, as men, have NO excuse for not doing everything we can to achieve it.
Following my own freedom I started to become passionate about helping other men overcome these addictions and destructive behaviours — and honestly, it was more because I was disgusted at how women are treated in marriages and relationships, on the streets, and in the pornography and trafficking industries and I wanted better fathers, husbands, brothers and sons for women the world over. I was sick of women having to put up with our ‘emotional illiteracy’, uncontrolled sex drives, aggression, and the list goes on.
Over the last 6 years I’ve helped run an addiction recovery course for men which primarily focuses on sexual behaviours. Men trying to give up pornography and / or masturbation, men trying to give up the use of prostitutes, men who have had affairs and want to ensure this doesn’t happen again. Whilst the journey is different for everyone and isn’t always a ‘quick fix’ I have seen time and again men gaining self-control, self-respect and most importantly for this conversation, respect for women.
I have also run a number of men’s groups over the years where we simply meet up to have food and talk about the challenges we’re facing and to encourage each other on the journey of becoming better men for the sake of all of society, especially women. Spaces like this are invaluable as they provide room for us to build a new vision of what it means to be a ‘man’ away from the unhealthy versions of masculinity we tend to be bombarded with by our culture. Men, like women, mostly just want to be ‘accepted’ — so we, as men, need to change what behaviours and attitudes we applaud and celebrate as good and ‘manly’.
To close out this post as a whole I want to say to any women reading that I hear your pain, anger and fear. The injustices committed against you far too commonly and downplayed far too often are awful and I’m deeply saddened that you have to experience them. To any men out there I want to say let’s raise the bar. We can and must do better than this. As fathers, husbands, brothers, sons and friends we must take responsibility for our own actions and level of self-control and we must encourage a version of masculinity which celebrates respect for women and denounces anything less. We must create space for men to come together and admit their struggles, wrestle through them together and hold each other accountable.
On that note — if there are any men reading this who would like to talk about how to get any of the support I’ve talked about above, then please do get in touch. Try to overcome any potential feelings of embarrassment about asking for help — I’ve been there myself and have heard countless people’s stories.
To everyone — let’s be on each other’s sides in this divisive time trying to follow the way of Jesus who said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbour and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:43–44) and “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:35).
Much love from me.
